Give Me Jesus

   Last year around this time I found myself horribly ill.  We are still not sure what happened besides, at the very least, a virus.  I was hospitalized for 10 days and unable to care for my children for two of the three months I was sick.  I learned a lot and I swore I would never take my health for granted and for awhile, I didn't.  Over the past year not all the symptoms went away.  It seemed some of them just lingered and showed their ugly head now and then.  Well last week they came back with a vengeance.  Not all of them (praise God) but some of the worst ones did.  I went back to the doctor and now that I don't have a million different things going on it seems we may be getting somewhere.  I seem to be having some blood pressure or heart issues.  I see a cardiologist on Thursday and hopefully we'll figure out how to put an end to all of this.

   What's my point here?  My point is, I thought I was dying last year and so did some of my family at the time.  It was truly horrible.  I didn't think I'd ever forget how horrible it was not to have my health...but I did.  It seems God is so rich in mercy and grace He gives us these blessings that often go unseen.  This blessing reminds me of the labor pain amnesia we all seem to get after having a baby.  Yes, we remember it hurt... A LOT!  But somehow we forget the magnitude of it in between labors until the first hard contraction hits!  Then in a flash we remember! I really forgot the magnitude of how I felt last year until I finished shoveling 19" of snow last week and had some of the pain and symptoms come back.

  What I wrestle with is, if I forget the pain, how do I keep His mercy in the forefront of my mind?  How can I help myself remember the gigantic truth of Him?!  At one point in my illness I envisioned myself as a little girl sitting at the foot of the cross wrapped around it like a child around her parent's leg.  I didn't care where I went or where that cross went, but I was NOT going anywhere without HIM!  I hated that feeling... and I loved that feeling.  I'm not sure you often get that bare bones about life.  It's funny, I want to say I want that feeling always, but it was such a horrible time... I don't know if that makes sense.

   I want to live a life that everyday I live for Him.  I want my children to see I do what I do for Him.  I want to make every choice pleasing to Him.  The problem?  I am a wretched rotten sinner!!  Deep in my being I want those things, but in the flesh I want so many other things that are so unimportant but seem to scream so loud! I want to be healthy and strong.  I want to be fit and fun.  I want to look pretty and have nice clothes.  I want my children to be well behaved and easy when we go out or have people in.  I want my husband to understand every one of my needs and meet them... without asking!  I want to watch mind numbing TV at night and eat chocolate :0)  You may be wondering what's so sinful about all those things.  Well, nothing really, except for the fact I find myself often putting more time, thought, worry and enjoyment into those things than into my relationship with the Lord.  I will often put more time into exercise than Bible reading or praying.  I will worry about my children's behavior and nip that in the bud but miss the deeper heart issue because I'm not taking the time.  I will be angry at my husband for not meeting my needs and ignore the fact that he's not suppose to meet all my needs!  HE- Jesus Christ, is the only one who can meet all my needs!

   I was very scared when I got ill this week and found myself falling into fear quickly.  So, I fell to my knees immediately and prayed for forgiveness and also for help remembering that He is in control and I want what He wants even when I don't understand.  And then I felt the Lord asking me, "Do you want your health... more than you want Me?"  I was instantly frozen.  How do I answer that?  Yes, my flesh wants health more than my God. That's the honest to goodness ugly truth of it.  Thankfully my spirit whispers louder than the flesh can scream, "Give me Jesus!" Then I am suddenly finishing the praise song I love, "you can have all the rest, give me Jesus."  Do I want to choose?  NO!  I want both!  I want Jesus and my health!  Is He asking me to give up one for the other?  I don't think so.  I think it was answering my question, "If I forget the pain, how do I keep His mercy in the forefront of my mind?"  Remembering to ask myself often- do I want to look good to the world more than I want Jesus?  Do I want to watch mind numbing TV more than I want Jesus?  Do I want my children to do all the right things but not know and understand Jesus?  To those questions, thankfully my flesh and my spirit agree, NO! So I begin each day, each moment, constantly reminding myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.  What am I missing?  What is the better thing?  Where should my focus be right now?  How can I change this habit or goal to bring glory to my King?  I struggle to remember.  I forget. I get knocked down.  I get up again, and again, and again.  Will I ever be perfect? Nope.  Is that my goal?  Nope.  More of Him, less  of me.  Help me understand You Lord for who You really are, not who I perceive you to be.

Give me Jesus.